Sometimes I wish I was pregnant. Not because I want anyone other than LO - I don't, he is the most precious person to us already. Not because I envy my pregnant friends the wonders and magic of pregnancy - I made my peace with that a long time ago. But because right now I'd be eight months pregnant and I think people would treat me differently.
I know that there can be some shocking oversights in day-to-day life; people not giving up their seat to a pregnant woman, for instance. But on the whole I know that pregnant women are treated with a kind of reverence. They are allowed outbursts of emotion. They are expected to be tired and overwhelmed at times. They are asked tenderly how they are feeling, sometimes by complete strangers. Others get caught up in the magnificent energy they exude and smile at them, say 'not long to go now!' (I witnessed this whilst away with my friend a few months ago, everyone we met whilst walking the dog smiled and spoke to her about her big bump.) They leave work amidst a flurry of cards and presents. They have blessingways or baby showers during which friends and family toast the good news and offer advice and gifts.
I know this attention might be unwanted at times, and I'm sure there are moments when every pregnant woman wishes she wasn't carrying around a big sign saying 'I'm about to have a baby! Talk to me about it!'. But there's something about being an adoptive mum that makes you feel a bit...well, invisible. You don't want to tell lots of people in case it falls through at the last minute. You're expected to carry on as normal until you meet your future child. Outbursts of emotion and general exhaustion are seen perhaps as moodiness, irritability, and at worst, irrational. In some cases, people are embarrassed by adoption - the elephant in the room being why you've chosen that route - and they avoid talking about it altogether. Others are furiously opinionated about adoption today, about the prospects for children whose early life is blighted by difficulty. Finally, there are those who ask impossibly impertinent questions about the birth family, without seeming to think how it might feel to answer those questions. The birth family is an endless curiosity box, pored over by people intent on sharing their opinions (I have refused to answer questions on this subject, other than the bare neccessities). I have been told many times, by people who have never been through it, how incredibly difficult, time-consuming and invasive the adoption process is - rarely have I been asked what it is really like (not that bad, actually, until the last chapter).
Sometimes, I would like someone to smile at me, say 'congratulations! Not long to go now! You look amazing! Radiant! Sit down and have a cup of tea, let me help you with your bags...here, have a tissue, it's perfectly normal to have a cry.'
Now, wouldn't that be magic?
4 comments:
Oh sweetie-
it is amazing how many HUGE life transitions come invisibly, isn't it? Amazing that folks look so normal while tectonic shifts are happening, deep changes, losses, gains. This to say: I so get what you are saying, and wish there were some sort of visible glow, some sort of evidence, visible to anyone benevolent...
I love your knitted penguin with all of my heart. I am just sayin'. you put those on etsy, and I will buy one in a nanosecond.
Thank you always and truly for your amazing support. A funny thing to admit: I switched browsers, and was rebookmarking you, and in that moment, forgot your "handle" so wrote: Soul Sister instead of dream seeker, which, so it turns out, feels just about exactly right. I'm Keeping it.
xoxx
Kate
Another beautifully written post...I so know where you are coming from (although my pregnancy was nothing like you described - people just exclaimed how big I'd gotten!).
The second Britmums Adoption/Fostering Round-up for bloggers has just come out and I wondered whether you might want to 'link-up' to it? So you can meet others who have been/are going on the same journey as you? And I'm sure others would find you inspiring (as I do)...
Hello you two lovely folks, thank you for the heartfelt messages that are always such a treat to find. Kate, you're always in my heart since I stumbled across your blog all those years ago and despite us being continents apart, I often think of you and your family. Soul Sister - I love it!
Vicki (or Stix?! I'm not brave enough to reveal my real name and no friends or family know I blog...yet...though it might be useful when it comes to parenting an adoptive child), thank you for your lovely words too. I've always had my blog, since the infertility days, as a bit of a secret emotion channeller and never really promoted it, but I can see that now it would be really helpful to meet other adopters through blogging, so I'm going to take your advice and get myself out there - but how?!?
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/ has an annual interview project that gets all angles of the adoption triad. You get assigned somebody and you interview each other and post it on your blog. Then those posts get added to the larger blog.
I still have neighbors who don't know we've finalized. As if, who else would that kid we're toting back and forth to the car every day be? We had a huge welcome home sign and balloons, etc. and still, nobody. And then somebody has the gall to ask me if I feel like a mom yet.
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